In the deep recesses of our minds we never imagine that we could be the victims of the things we stand and fight against. The reality is that these things are never too far from us; there is no running away from them-one can only stand and fight.
The protagonist in my story had the misfortune (or maybe some will perceive it as good fortune) of meeting and falling for a man from a deeply patriarchal family. The family’s idea of the perfect partner for their son/brother/nephew was one of a woman less educated than him, insignificantly younger than him-she just could not be older-even by a few months. She was not supposed to have household furniture because he did not yet have any. The jury was out, our protagonist was not good enough for this family’s son/brother/nephew. She was too old for him, too ‘ahead of him in life’ embarrassingly shallow as the concept may be-they said.
I am the protagonist. In my mind many possibilities could explain the final rejection-an unceremonious end to a seemingly beautiful relationship. 1. He never loved me. 2. He did not love me enough to stand and fight. 3. He loved me; he fought but still succumbed to the pressures of his family. But what difference does it make-in the end they won- because the relationship ended.
I ask myself a number of questions to which I cannot find answers. What, about an empowered woman, threatens a man or his family to such an extent that they would break up a relationship? What is it about a woman who earns more than the men she is involved with or has achieved more than the man even though they are of the same age could be considered as inappropriate? What part of-‘she is educated, employed and self-sustaining’ is an automatic diminisher of a man’s testosterone levels that he should feel emasculated and lesser of a man than he actually is?
Thing is, I grew up as the daughter of an empowered woman. From age five, when my elder sisters- who happen to be 11 and 12 years older than me- were teenagers, I would hear my mother say to them, “My daughters; a woman must do something in her life. You have to have a job. You must be able to take care of yourself. Never ever be dependent on another human being because when that person is no longer there, you could be driven to abject poverty.” And so from a tender age my aspiration was to be a self-sufficient, independent woman. Today I am a 28 year old college educated and employed female; earning a reasonable sum of money, living in my beautiful colourful sanctuary, driving my own car and as many would put it-with ‘almost’ everything going for me.
So would society be happier if I wasn’t who I am? Would it make a difference if I had the same level of education but have a lousy job? Would the conservative patriarchs be happier with a do’s and don’ts manual to which women religiously abide to ensure that men’s financial prowess is never challenged? Would a manual that reads like this; be their prelude to their self-created heaven on earth…
| Don’ts | Do’s |
| Do not buy a bed until you get a husband, he may wonder who else besides him has slept in it. | Sleep on the floor even if it breaks your ribs and wait to buy a bed with your husband. Your marital pallet must be pure. |
| Do not buy a set of sofas until you get a husband. | Sit on the floor even if it gives you pneumonia and wait to buy a set of sofas with your husband or better still better find him with his own, that way he will be the man of the house. |
| Do not buy a car before you get married. | Be content being chauffeured by your beau, that way he knows exactly where you are each moment because he would have taken you there himself. |
| Never ever be more successful than your husband-in anything. | Stick to your lowly job, or better still quit it and become his cheerleader. He will love you for polishing his crown than have you as his queen. |
| Do not buy a television before you settle down. | Read newspapers and allow your beau to take you to the cinema once in a while so he feels important for being the force behind your discovery of who James Bond is. |
| Never have a fatter bank account than that of the man you date. | Spend your money on frivolities to ensure you are always broke. If need be, become an (in)voluntary philanthropist so that you never have more than your male partner. |
Mine is a classic case of the battle for supremacy of societal perceptions, a live performance in which the stage is life, the characters are masculinities and gender and the winner is patriarchy. I have experienced-firsthand- the role that society, including other women plays in building perceptions that alienate women who challenge tendencies considered to be the norm. It is the norm for a woman to be taken of, to be dependant on a man, to live in his shadow as the Mrs of a successful Mister. Anyone who dares to be the exception faces rejection and indeed I faced rejection but I am not going to be a slave of some people’s warped sense of male-worth, neither shall I be someone else’s cheerleader. If there is ‘A’ man- let him be man enough to realise that there is depth of character in standing by a driven or successful woman, cheering her onwards and upwards and not succumbing to other people’s perception that he is living in her shadow.
Sorry Rumbi but my initial reaction was to laugh, and not just a chuckle but a gutsy loud laugh. Chikweee chaicho all by myself. Not that I don’t feel the undertones of pain, no, but because I have been there, and was even tempted to blow out my candle so that his would glow more. It takes courage, lots of it too, to go against the status qou, to be nearing the “dreaded” 30 without getting married, and it appears the more accomplished you are, the more unlikely you are to get married. An educated woman is too questioning, inquisitive and reasons a lot. That was one reason a guy broke up with me, because I was degreed and he was not. I remeber the day I bought my set of brand new sofas, wow, was I excited! I wanted my sisters from church to celebrate with me, instead I was asked, ” What if your husband won’t like them? You should have waited until you got married?” Really???? And in the meantime while I wait for Mr. Right to come where do I sit? On the floor? Huh? The examples are too many, and the reality is indeed sad. The scrutiny from society even goes down to your conduct. It is acceptable for the bachelor who stays in the next apartment to drive in at midnight, but when I do, I am being loose, yeas, these are some of the things I have been through.
So I loved Rumbi, because it sounds so familiar, its like deja vu, and am thinking, a new breed of African woman has been birthed, society will have to accept us, because we are here to stay
I must say am really touched that you could share your experience with the world. People like me who are treading similar path find solace in your words. The very best in the future. Am sure you will find someone who is worth you and what you stand for. Limiting our expectations just to fill the shoes made for us by society and patriarchy sure is not the way they go. I appreciate men who are intellectually stimulating, I most times wonder why they will want to settle for less just to ease their ego. To me: it’s a hard price to pay in spite of everything.
I am inspired that my honesty touched you. The amazing thing about being a human rights advocate is that these are the things we talk about when we list, dicsuss and try to find solutions to the challenges that the ‘modern’ woman faces reconciling her personal ambition and drive and societal expectations of who she should be. It’s a maze we have to solve and which we hope our own children’s children’s children will not have to contend with. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Much appreciated.
I hurt and am so enraged to face this attitude! I have faced something similar, being abused and being hedged in simply because i have such ambitious dreams that my then husband’s paled in comparison. I was made to feel apologetic for having those dreams. and did i dream….. every day that I was awake and every night that i slept!! I still dream…now it even scares me but i have since vowed that i will not allow someone else’s narrow mindedness keep me under, if anything I have borrowed wings to add to my dreams so that I can fly even higher. Well done, girl for not pleading to be taken in and to subsequently lower your standards and deflate your dreams simply because the relationship looked great. Looks are deceiving….guvi kununira hunzi ridyiwe!!! NOT all that glitters IS gold after all.
Your story is one of the stories that break my heart, especially the suffering you had to undergo in the name of marriage. But it also gives me hope because you managed to lift yourself from that and reclaim your dignity and fullness of person and self. Thank you my love for the support.
Been there, done that…I was the daughter-in-law who traveled too much and was too busy getting a Masters to have more children and generally failing to meet her other obligations.
I cannot apologize for who I am, for what I believe in, for what I aspire for and for wanting more.
And apologise you must not for how could a bright light like you possibly be hidden in the armpits of a spineless man! One thing I have learnt from my experience is that to win the fight against patriarchy there must be liberation of the subordinates. It is women, who are subordinate to patriarchy/those who have accepted the status quo as the single unchallenged truth who make the worst patriarchs. They are the mothers/sisters/aunts who perpetuate stereotypes, crippling their sons/brothers/nephews, labelling other people’s daughters, bending over backwards to their own husbands. I sympathise with them and I await the day when they realise that destroying the net of captivity they have woven around themselves is as simple as standing up as full beings-not as the mother of so and so, or wife of so and so, but them.
First, I want to salute you. The gift of words is given so we can tell these tales in whatever form. When we write, we tell the story of the lives of so many other women – just like us.
For too long women have bent over backwards to fit into the rigid way society said we ought to be, unnatural as that may be. Someone said we existed to be cheerleaders for our men, so we believed it and did just that. Cooked, cleaned, loved, encouraged them to climb the highest mountains, swim the deepest seas, write the loveliest of songs, fight wars, win fame, riches and honour for themselves. Things have changed much but many people call women names when they go for their own dreams, fight their own battles, win their own fame- riches and honour. Don’t mind the name calling, people minding your business just aint got any of their own to be minding. They aint worth your time in worrying. That man just lost a fine woman in you and his family lost wht would have been a fine daughter-in-law. Do not for one minute regret your sucess. We are born to shine, even as we retain full capacity to love, care, respect and fulfill other people. You dont have to be less – always more!
Thank you my darling. It is women like you, who hold others’ hands, shed a tear with the weeping and walk the talk of solidarity that make womanhood/feminism/sisterhood an inextinguishable flame. I shall do more…always.
Reblogged this on Pfimbi Yangu.
I really like Webster’s point of view above, though I certainly wouldn’t label him ‘one of them’. It is just sad that society is failing miserably to get over itself and move on with the programme. This is the new reality folks: Women do shit (pardon the French) for themselves nowadays. And I think a man is man enough if he can identify with a woman who is smart and organized. By the way, if I were a guy, I probably would go for women who are self sufficient and relax the rest of my life not having to worry about taking care of her 100%. Webster, while people’s relatives are important, I disagree that they were completely responsible for who this guy turned out to be. Some of us have relatives and family members, whom we endeavor to be nothing like. So while the mere fact that one’s relatives are important, they are not God, and their opinion on who one decides to date and/or marry should neither matter nor be sought. At the end of the day, its about you, what makes you happy in the long run. I always hark on a story of a guy friend who married a woman in a wheelchair. He is currently ostracized by some of his family, but so the hell what? He is happy with his choice, and who says people on wheelchairs should not be loved too? And what about orphans who have no family or relatives to talk of? We should not care too much what people think about our decisions to do with matters of the heart.
I had a talk with a friend about this and in the end we agreed that we live in a sad, sad society which values its own hard, rigid rules above human happiness. These rules have created a dangerous space to the very women we have fought hard to become (educated, self-sufficient, independent). Any guy (as in my case) who fails to rise above what he has been fed for years without assessing how much sense it makes in his life in relation to his own happiness will forever be conforming at his own happiness’ peril. As another lovely friend of mine said, “Never compromise who you are for people who know they are not worthy of gold yet are greedy enough to pursue it anyway and then try to diminish its value.” So we stand tall and those who see gold, value it and do not seek to trash it, shall have it-as time and fate would have it.
Stash!!!! amen
At the risk of being labelled “one of them” I would want to propose the following view points. None of it may be new to you or applicable in the slightest, but for the benefit of open minded visitors to this site, this may be of help:
1. It is not really what a “superior woman” has in terms of material possessions and an education that is usually the problem but what these things make her FEEL and THINK as a team player within a relationship. Does having these possessions and an education make her more romantic in her approach to love and wiser in her domestic and social decision making? Or does it make her more of an impersonal business partner in the middle of Hong-kong than a personal intimate friend and emotional refuge for their partner in the home and the wider society.
2. As a rule of thumb, Material possessions acquired before matrimony should ideally be disposed of in the early stages of a married relationship unless they are fixed and convertible to commercial use and re-registered as co-owned by both parties. In other words couples should, in real terms, strive to eradicate from their vocabulary the possessive “my” with the collective “our” as much as possible no matter who the possessions belonged to before the union.
3. Building a relationship with your partner’s significant others (identifying the people who made him/her who he/she is) and relating to them as superiors to YOURSELVES is essential, no matter how little they have and how illiterate they may be. Because they made him/her who he/she is (that which made you love him/her) puts them a notch higher than the two of your put together.
There is more, but I could be writing a blog within a blog. I am sorry for your misfortune. Why not call it a misadventure, dust yourself up and look ahead for better fortune next time:)
Thank you Webster
I agree with everything you say above and it is not new. And yes they are not applicable to the current situation because these people never met me, or had the chance to see how my material possessions make me feel or think, the question of disposal never arose because there was no talk of marriage-yet and of course I wouldn’t agree more that people’s value can never be assessed based on their material possessions. That would be shallow and inhumane.
You are certainly not “one of them” and even if you were we are all entitled to our different opinions and on this space I understand the need to allow truth, honesty and constructive criticism to flow as we all share our thoughts and ideas, express our feelings and opinions. Just to say, I do not feel at all superior as I have been labelled, in fact I find it quite ridiculous that I and women who are in the same situation as I am should be viewed as superior. For what is in a piece of paper called a certificate, than testimony of a few years of attempting to master age old and evolving concepts and how is that to be judged as a decisive element in knowing someone’s suitability as a partner. Should people not rather meet and converse with the individual concerned then form their opinion than use the level of education as a point of measure? What happened to human interaction? what happened to ubuntu because i do not think that concept has room for such prejudices as I and others in a similar position have been subjected to?
But you are right, the best thing is to dust myself up because indeed this was bad fortune and good fortune is certain to come.
I salute your resolve.
pardon me. 1. Did I read this well? Its ok for a woman to have her sh#t together but not to hev an attitude? Assumption being the writer must have had an attitude or something wrong with her or else why does this man’s family dislike her so much! Why always look for fault in the woman when love goes sour? 2. A man’s family are not SUPERIOURS to a woman because they raised him. God is a superiour because he CREATED the dude. Family is to be respected because they are family. period. Just cause a woman is independent doesn’t mean she is disrespectful. That stereotype is so yesterday and messes up more relationships than it fixes. 3. “Rule of Thumb” for married couples to buy new furniture? Which developing country is this happening at? I would wanna go live there for a while. Roora and the white weddings families often demand leaves new couples near broke or in debt most of the time. Who is going to buy a whole new houseful of furniture. “Rule of Thumb” also demands new coupels prove fertility soonest, so in come kids,diapers, nannies, bigger apartment etc. Reality looks a lot different than rule of thumb people. lets be honest
Looks like you missed my point. For starters, my comment is neither addressing the writer and her particular case directly, nor is it drawing any hard and fast directions on what is “ok” or not “ok” about a woman’s sh#t or her attitude. I couldn’t do that coz the writer, rightly so, doesn’t give out much detail for anyone to conclusively form an informed opinion. Admittedly ‘Rule of thumb’ may not be the best phrase to use in these contexts.
However, as always with any good cause, it’s always at the hands of those its meant to protect that a good cause is killed. Examples being the death of Christ and the Christian cause for faith and goodness in all men. The feminist cause may or may not be an exception, but promoting a fast track kind of radicalism against tradition may indeed harm what is otherwise a credible movement. Most women will admit that on the whole it’s not ‘men’ who stand in the way of women’s emancipation but a general lack of education, information and a whole lot of feminine misinterpretation of where we are at.
About parents, my point is not that people listen to or obey all they say, but that it is our duty to go out of our way to do good for them (chero vari varoyi) to win their favour and support for the independent but often difficult or even radical decisions we may have to make. Mukwasha (to be) or muroora (to be) has a duty to spoil and impress his or her in laws to gain acceptance, and should not simply rely on personal achievements to do this for him or her. In other words one needs to bond with your prospective in-laws for a while before marriage is even proposed. Tall order! I know. But… *shrugs*
I am so sorry. When a door is closed a window is opened elsewhere. He probably was a good man but maybe not good enough for you. I mean if he can give in to pressure now what about in five, ten, fifteen years time. I am a very young woman have nothing (materially) as yet but want to be self sufficient before getting married. I always get that, “you wont get a man with your attitude.” May the Lord give you strength to move on and find someone who will see you beyond your achievements and what you have. Love the Rumbie that you are.
Thank you Vimbai, from the bottom of my heart. I am concerned however that people seem to be accepting of the status quo, that a woman’s advancement in her career can b a reason fr her failure to get or challenges in getting a life partner. What can we do to change this? How can society move beyond this? I know men call women and their families who like them only for their money gold-diggers, what do we call men and their families who reject women solely because of their money? Will such a label adequately shame those who do this as the label gold-diggers does?
Sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately you not the first neither are you alone nor would you be the last. Piece of advise Oprah gave to Serena Williams ‘never dim your light to make someone else more comfortable ‘. Sincerely wish you the best in finding someone you deserve
I shared my story because I wanted others to know we are in this together. There are those who will get rejected because they are considered too inferior and there are those of us who will be rejected because we are considered too superior. The source of the problem is the same- societY, socialisation-PATRIARCHY. That is an excellent piece of advice there and Oprah is right. That’s what it’s about, isn’t it. One has to be dimmer than the other in-order for a relationship to work because the one who shines brighter will be comfortable in their supremacy-but why cant we all shine bright? Argh, life…
Waow!!!
Rubbed my winter-sore hands and clapped. This freshly pressed piece speaks to the world of patriarchy. We don’t need to stand on rooftops to say it again. Women like you have taken charge of the mandate and with the gift of words, you are creating change. In my story, I wasn’t wife enough in the African sense(cooking, cleaning, farming etc) and also, I threatened their definition of submission when I wore trousers and accepted to act in movie. Guess what, their son ended with a white lady! The rest is history. Move on dear sister.
It’s always uplifting to speak to kindred spirit. I am sorry for what you had to go through. It is when we reclaim our identity as individuals with a full sense of worth, which need not be validated by others’ measure of our conformity to the norms and values of the societies we live in that we can truly live full lives. Thank you for your comment and for reading this article.